Donn David

I am sitting at my sister twyla's house. I was supposed to be in PA at a wedding (congrats to Christopher and Beq...I love you very very much) I have been bummed about not getting to the wedding but on the flip side, since I am not in PA I get to attend our family party for three very special graduates. Jordan Twyla, Cerise Hallie and Luke Lyle......all of them safely made it through their highschool years and we get to celebrate together as a family. Well I can't help but let my mind wander to Donn David. He was so adamant about family getting together. He loved it and was usually the last one to leave and he had the farthest to drive. He never wanted these times to end. I wonder if for some reason it was in his genetic buildup that knowledge to stay with family as long as you can for it will never be the same again. I am looking at a picture of him getting his beard trimmed by my sister Kelly. It's a sweet picture but one that makes me cry. He went through so much to try to live and he died. Swelling, pain, conciousness, sight, smell, touch. If he was not going to be able smell the sweet breath of his daughter or the smell of wife than why are we able to experience these things in the first place.

I wonder if this is my vain attempt at minimizing the regret I feel for how little I was able to help Donn through this. For four years, actually for over 20 years we took care of my father but the last 4 years were 24 hour care and I never once struggled. I considered it an honor to lay him to bed at night knowing he was cared for. I felt like every time I put fresh socks on him or a new shirt, somehow Daddy knew he was still loved, we still wanted him to look good and that he was so very important to us. I took such great pride in being his daughter and being part of this family who could come together and care for him.

I couldn't do this for Donn. If I saw someone helping him up or washing his face, I turned away. I didn't want to face the fact that he needed my help. I'm angry!!! I want him here, I want his strength back and his beauty back here on earth. It being gone has left such an unfillable space in our family.

Somebody once said to my sister Kelly, "And to think, if he was given the chance to come back now that he has seen heaven, he wouldn't come." This statement brings me an insane amount of comfort. It is my selfishness that wants him back. My own sense of sorrow warps my way of thinking into believing that him here is best. Here is not best. Heaven is best for him. I just can't wait to see that handsome freckled face of his again. Heaven is will be the best for both of us some day.

So I have totally rambled. Donn David has been on my mind a lot lately, probably because of the perfectly cloudless days we have been having. I'm gonna stop rambling now and just say that I love my family here and in heaven and I know I will continue to struggle with sorrow but my faith, my family and my friends are always here for me and I love you all.......